What I am about to say may surprise you. It may even offend some of you. But I think it's worth being honest about, as it perhaps goes against many of the stereotypes of being an au pair.
I'm not really interested in being a mother. I'm not even that interested in children.
Ok, I can almost hear the gasps and angry comments being thrashed out on poor unsuspecting keyboards - let me explain.
So I want to caveat this piece with a little warning. This is not an indictment of anyone who has made the choice to be a mother. Mothers are great, I even have one (hi Mum, if you're reading this). What I am about to say has nothing to do with other people's choices. If you want to be a mother, go be a mother. Maybe finish school and make sure you have enough money to look after you and your children properly, but otherwise you go do what you want. That being said, it's not something that interests me at all.
Ever since I was a teenager my aunt and cousin have constantly asked, whenever I have seen them, "So do you have a boyfriend?". Innocuous enough. But lately I can tell that a lot more people I know are thinking the same thing. Wondering when I'm going to settle down and sort my life out. Since I became an au pair, one theme has constantly been raised - "So are you having a practice run at being a mother?"
Well no. No I am not.
Yes as an au pair the largest part of that job is childcare. But I wonder if the male au pairs get asked the same question? (Yes male au pairs exist. They are rare creatures. Like a unicorn but with compote and a vaguely resigned look on their faces when they are the only boy in an au pair French class. ) I have also had experience being a teacher for children between 6 and 11. However I have never EVER been one of those people who go all gooey eyed and start drooling over tiny babies. The window of a Baby Gap has never made me wish I had someone to put in those tiny outfits. The smell of the top of a baby's head does nothing for me. Believe me, I know. I've had friends almost push their infant's head up my left nostril, but I just don't 'get' it.
Even with slightly older kids, I don't seem to have that weak spot. Take the four year old I look after for example. He can have moments of being cute, seriously cute. He wants cuddles and kisses, and he wants to sit with me and talk about his day. He has those big brown eyes, and a sweet little smile that makes him look like butter wouldn't melt. Some people (the host parents included) seem to think that these things make up for all the naughtiness and chaos they create (not that the host parents would know about that because they only see him for half an hour in the evening). Perhaps something deep in human biology means that the memories of all their bêtises is overpowered by a rush of hormones every time he looks at them with those big brown eyes. But I never let myself forget that he has a capacity for incredible evil. Even when he is being super sweet, this is the same kid who broke my iPhone, and who stood in the middle of the hallway and pooed his pants when I said "No TV." My resentment will not be overpowered by those eyes.
Perhaps this is, as my Aunt would probably tell me, because I haven't met the right person yet - the one who I would want to start a family with. Maybe. However I don't necessarily see a correlation between my romantic status and my parental status. There are plenty of couples out there who enjoy their child-free lives, and there are plenty of single parents who love the rich experiences that parenthood offers.
I have, however, also been a 'never say never' type of person. There seems to be a great tension between the "I know what I want" and the " I don't want a baby YET" camps. It is not my place to tell any of them how to think about whether they want children. From my perspective, I don't want to get sterilised or take the more permanent courses of action. I can say with all honesty that I know that in this moment I don't want children, but I also know myself well enough to say that I am a changeable person who is constantly evolving and prone to impulsiveness and making big changes to my life. So maybe one day I will end up with a kid,but it is not something that I lie awake at night thinking about. It is not something I am planning my life around, and if you so much as mention my 'biological clock', you can expect a hefty amount of side eye from me. You have been warned.
What I am sure of though, is that I have no desire to have a child because that is my role as a woman or, perhaps more accurately, because society tells us that bearing children is part of 'having it all" as a woman. Oh hell no. Don't even try to raise that argument with me, unless you are ready for a verbal slap down of epic proportions.
It does seem that statistics show I am not alone in this field. In the USA more women than ever are opting to not have children. The census data from 2014 (find it here) shows that nearly 50% of women ages 25 to 29 did not have children. For women women ages 30 to 34, the statistic was 28.9%. And overall the census data revealed that 47.6% of women in the USA who were aged 15 to 44 did not have children in 2014. This was an overall increase from 46.5% in 2012. There were several hypotheses put forward including the fact that women are becoming more successful in the work place, and that drops in fertility rate tend to coincide with drops int he economy, so the 2008 recession may have contributed to this (link here). Of course we must also take into account that there are many out there who are unable to conceive and are not childless by choice. But what is clear is that the numbers of women who are happy to put off having children until later, or forever, is on the rise.
Does this make me an unfit au pair? Well obviously I don't think so. Sometimes, the person who is best suited to a job is one who is not so emotionally involved. It's why surgeons don't operate on family members, and why lawyers shouldn't represent their friends - that emotional tug you feel makes you less effective at your work. So too with children and au pairing. The person who is easily won over by big eyes and cutesy pouting lips is not the person you want to be in charge of your children's discipline. You want someone who can make sure that homework gets done, that will have the kids in bed, that won't let the rules slide just because one of the kids has started crying.
So many families ask for someone to be 'a big sister' or 'a best friend' - but really when you actually do the job, that's not what an au pair should be, nor is it really what the parents want. Besides, some kids see their parents so little that you can't rely on them to be the disciplinarians when they get home, you have to suck it up and get on with it
Kids are fine. They can be cute and they can be evil. Will I miss mine when I leave in 3 months time? Yes of course. Will I be looking forward to the day I get one of my own. No. Will I be looking forward to a 9-5 job, a bottle of wine and whatever I want on the television?
God, yes.
I'm not really interested in being a mother. I'm not even that interested in children.
Ok, I can almost hear the gasps and angry comments being thrashed out on poor unsuspecting keyboards - let me explain.
 |
| I'm just looking forward to the day when my handbag isn't full of compote. |
So I want to caveat this piece with a little warning. This is not an indictment of anyone who has made the choice to be a mother. Mothers are great, I even have one (hi Mum, if you're reading this). What I am about to say has nothing to do with other people's choices. If you want to be a mother, go be a mother. Maybe finish school and make sure you have enough money to look after you and your children properly, but otherwise you go do what you want. That being said, it's not something that interests me at all.
Ever since I was a teenager my aunt and cousin have constantly asked, whenever I have seen them, "So do you have a boyfriend?". Innocuous enough. But lately I can tell that a lot more people I know are thinking the same thing. Wondering when I'm going to settle down and sort my life out. Since I became an au pair, one theme has constantly been raised - "So are you having a practice run at being a mother?"
Well no. No I am not.
Yes as an au pair the largest part of that job is childcare. But I wonder if the male au pairs get asked the same question? (Yes male au pairs exist. They are rare creatures. Like a unicorn but with compote and a vaguely resigned look on their faces when they are the only boy in an au pair French class. ) I have also had experience being a teacher for children between 6 and 11. However I have never EVER been one of those people who go all gooey eyed and start drooling over tiny babies. The window of a Baby Gap has never made me wish I had someone to put in those tiny outfits. The smell of the top of a baby's head does nothing for me. Believe me, I know. I've had friends almost push their infant's head up my left nostril, but I just don't 'get' it.
Even with slightly older kids, I don't seem to have that weak spot. Take the four year old I look after for example. He can have moments of being cute, seriously cute. He wants cuddles and kisses, and he wants to sit with me and talk about his day. He has those big brown eyes, and a sweet little smile that makes him look like butter wouldn't melt. Some people (the host parents included) seem to think that these things make up for all the naughtiness and chaos they create (not that the host parents would know about that because they only see him for half an hour in the evening). Perhaps something deep in human biology means that the memories of all their bêtises is overpowered by a rush of hormones every time he looks at them with those big brown eyes. But I never let myself forget that he has a capacity for incredible evil. Even when he is being super sweet, this is the same kid who broke my iPhone, and who stood in the middle of the hallway and pooed his pants when I said "No TV." My resentment will not be overpowered by those eyes.
Perhaps this is, as my Aunt would probably tell me, because I haven't met the right person yet - the one who I would want to start a family with. Maybe. However I don't necessarily see a correlation between my romantic status and my parental status. There are plenty of couples out there who enjoy their child-free lives, and there are plenty of single parents who love the rich experiences that parenthood offers.
I have, however, also been a 'never say never' type of person. There seems to be a great tension between the "I know what I want" and the " I don't want a baby YET" camps. It is not my place to tell any of them how to think about whether they want children. From my perspective, I don't want to get sterilised or take the more permanent courses of action. I can say with all honesty that I know that in this moment I don't want children, but I also know myself well enough to say that I am a changeable person who is constantly evolving and prone to impulsiveness and making big changes to my life. So maybe one day I will end up with a kid,but it is not something that I lie awake at night thinking about. It is not something I am planning my life around, and if you so much as mention my 'biological clock', you can expect a hefty amount of side eye from me. You have been warned.
What I am sure of though, is that I have no desire to have a child because that is my role as a woman or, perhaps more accurately, because society tells us that bearing children is part of 'having it all" as a woman. Oh hell no. Don't even try to raise that argument with me, unless you are ready for a verbal slap down of epic proportions.
It does seem that statistics show I am not alone in this field. In the USA more women than ever are opting to not have children. The census data from 2014 (find it here) shows that nearly 50% of women ages 25 to 29 did not have children. For women women ages 30 to 34, the statistic was 28.9%. And overall the census data revealed that 47.6% of women in the USA who were aged 15 to 44 did not have children in 2014. This was an overall increase from 46.5% in 2012. There were several hypotheses put forward including the fact that women are becoming more successful in the work place, and that drops in fertility rate tend to coincide with drops int he economy, so the 2008 recession may have contributed to this (link here). Of course we must also take into account that there are many out there who are unable to conceive and are not childless by choice. But what is clear is that the numbers of women who are happy to put off having children until later, or forever, is on the rise.
Does this make me an unfit au pair? Well obviously I don't think so. Sometimes, the person who is best suited to a job is one who is not so emotionally involved. It's why surgeons don't operate on family members, and why lawyers shouldn't represent their friends - that emotional tug you feel makes you less effective at your work. So too with children and au pairing. The person who is easily won over by big eyes and cutesy pouting lips is not the person you want to be in charge of your children's discipline. You want someone who can make sure that homework gets done, that will have the kids in bed, that won't let the rules slide just because one of the kids has started crying.
So many families ask for someone to be 'a big sister' or 'a best friend' - but really when you actually do the job, that's not what an au pair should be, nor is it really what the parents want. Besides, some kids see their parents so little that you can't rely on them to be the disciplinarians when they get home, you have to suck it up and get on with it
Kids are fine. They can be cute and they can be evil. Will I miss mine when I leave in 3 months time? Yes of course. Will I be looking forward to the day I get one of my own. No. Will I be looking forward to a 9-5 job, a bottle of wine and whatever I want on the television?
God, yes.
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