If you read a lot of au pair blogs you may well have the impression that working as an au pair in France involves a lot of sitting in cafes, drinking cafés noisettes and occasionally swanning around a museum looking profound. Certainly, this is true to an extent, we do get to do this. But we also work really hard and, as far as jobs go, it can vary wildly from life enriching experience to a living nightmare. Just like any other job, how bad it gets will vary depending on your office (the house), your boss (the Host Parents), your coworkers (the kids), and your contract. However, suffice to say, when it gets bad it can get really bad.
You may have noticed that the blog has not been updated much recently. That is because my experience has been going through one of these difficult times. Consequently I have not felt motivated enough to write much and I have felt even less motivated to go out and experience things in a worth writing about. But this blog is meant to be an honest account of my time as an au pair, and I guess the best and most honest thing to do is tell you about how bad things have been.
First and foremost I want to stress something. I really love the the family I work for. The host parents are very considerate and they have done an amazing job to make me feel welcome in their home, which cannot be an easy thing for anyone to do. The kids can be amazingly sweet, and when they are they are lovely to work with. But as with all things, there are highs and lows, and recently things have been low.
The root of the problem is with the kids. For the most part I feel very sorry for them. They have been uprooted form their home in London and moved to Paris over the summer. They must be feeling slightly displaced and they must be missing their friends and life in London. Although they are half French, they attend an international Spanish school and the church attached to it, so I imagine they do not feel very French even though they live in Paris.
The little boy has been sick recently. This is a long term thing, and has been going on for a while. He had a few days of school last term, but in the last month he has been off school for several days, and moreover the school has called the parents to go pick him up. Although they are the ones who are called, I am the one who goes to pick him up. This means leaving my french classes early, or abandoning friends in the middle of what is normally our time off. Au pairs are normally limited in their contracts to maximum 35 hour weeks, but I have been going way over that looking after they little boy. Although the parents try to take time off in the mornings/afternoons to be with him, this is not always possible, and think the little boy is upset that it is me not his parents with him when he is sick. What he does enjoy is the sleeping all day and the TV that he is allowed to watch. In fact it got so bad that he now says he would rather stay home and watch TV than go to school - something he didn't say last term. This switch to hating school means that mornings are now impossible because he lies down and will not put on his clothes or shoes, and constantly says that he will tell his teacher that he is sick and has to go home. The parents are not around in the mornings, so several times I have had to half drag a screaming and crying 4 year old to school. We have not been on time for school once in the last 2 weeks, even though we live around the corner. Impossible.
The amount of attention the little boy has received because of his illness is now affecting the older Sister. Last year her brother was in nursery and she was constantly doing activities such as sport and drama. This year she does 2 activities during the week, and her brother is in the same school as her. They even share a bedroom, which in my opinion, is not good for an 8 year old and 4 year old. She is constantly sharing her space with him and has very little privacy, and I sympathise that this must be frustrating for her. I feel she is becoming jealous and lashing out accordingly. She constantly provokes her brother and envies that he is too young for homework and so can spend more time playing for her. She is consequently lashing out at me, being insolent, sulky, and at the drop of a hat a previously quiet conversation will turn into a fully fledged tantrum.
The girl is also not doing so well at school and I suspect that this may be part of the reason for her bad behaviour. She is not very self disciplined, and rushes through her homework focussing on finishing it rather than absorbing the information. She has received several very low marks in French, Maths, and English. I feel exceptionally responsible for the English result - Part of the reason I am here is to keep the kids speaking English now they have left London. Consequently, when she fails English, I feel as though I have failed her. Moreover, I used to be a teacher at a school in London. Whilst her mother should be in charge of checking her Spanish, and the dad is in charge of helping her pass French, I can help her with the rest. Yes her maths and science are in Spanish textbooks, but a) I can read Spanish and b) those topics do not change their facts just because they are in a different language. I can teach her multiplication, and the answer will still be the same in English, Spanish, or French. However, as soon as I point out that I was a teacher and know how much work she needs to put in, her personality switches and a full blown tantrum happens. I am quickly exhausted and the fight to finish homework gets more exhausting as the week progresses.
I think a lot of the problems also stem from the fact that they do not see much of their parents during the week. The mum leaves before the kids wake up, and arrives just after I usually put them to bed (the 4 year old needs a lot of sleep, the 8 year old needs less, but they share a room so what can I do?). Sometimes she can go up to 3 days without seeing the kids. The dad is there for half an hour in the mornings, but usually arrives after they are in bed. I say usually because the little boy has figured out this pattern and is now refusing to go to bed. He will stay up for his parents and as soon as they come back it is 2 hours of "je suis pas fatigue", "j'ai mal au ventre", "J'ai faim" "Je veux une histoire avec Papa/Maman" - anything that will get the Parents attention. His longterm sickness is a problem with his ear - no 4 year old is 'mal au ventre' 10 days in a row at 21:00 despite eating a huge meal. He is manipulating them.
The Parents' response can be very frustrating. On the one hand I completely understand that they do not see the kids very much during the week, so they feel guilty and want to compensate for their absence with lots kisses, cuddles, and affection. I really do understand that. On the other hand their refusal to enforce punishments I have given during the day or a refusal to be angry with the kids is just making the bad behaviour worse. It undermines any authority I have, because the kids just wait until Mum and Dad get home to ask for something and the parents cave immediately.
So after a month of this happening, the kids refuse to accept that I have authority over them, and nothing gets done. The 4 year old is running around the salon screaming at 23:00, and because he goes to bed so late he is impossible to get ready for school in the morning and the bad behaviour and frustration continues. The girl cannot sleep because her brother is keeping her awake (again - stupid shared bedroom) and so retaliates by hitting him and trying to provoke him without us noticing. The minute I (or her parents at the weekend) catch her doing it she screams the house down. I have been late to several French classes (which cost a lot of money) to stay with the sick little boy, and have been working overtime like no-ones business. I am so exhausted that by the time I have finished dealing with the kids AND doing the washing/cleaning/chores that I have been allocated, I just want to sit quietly for a few moments. Therefore at the weekends I am staying in my room avoiding the family, but being next to the salon I can hear the weekend round of screaming (gosh I wish I had a live out position now). I feel exhausted and stressed out, and like I am going round and round in a downwards spiral of chaos. My skin is breaking out, and all I want is a good night's sleep. Another side effect is that I am not seeing as much of Paris as I had hoped and I have nothing to blog about!
The good news is that I have recently had a series of long discussions with the parents, and I think (hope?) that they are about to get strict with the kids. But better than that, the grand-parents are on my side! They have been staying with us recently, and the Mamie (grand-mère) was shocked at the behaviour. She sat down with me for some tea and sympathy, and she agrees that it cannot continue. So for the first week of the holiday, the kids are going to Biarritz with their grandparents to learn some manners! Yes! Mamie to the rescue! I hope that by this time next week the kids will be perfect angels and saying their "merci"s and "s'il vous plait"s.
And how am I celebrating this week of freedom? By taking some much needed time for myself. I feel like I need some fresh air and exercise to relieve my stress. So, like many French people at this time of year, I'm off to the Alps for some skiing, some sleep, and some Savoyard cuisine! I'll be returning to Paris refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to blog. Don't worry, I'll be making some time to do some writing while I'm out there too, so stay tuned for a lot of pictures of snow and raclette.
So I'm off on the TGV to Geneva, and then on to Chamonix! I can hear the vin chaud calling my name already.
À plus!
You may have noticed that the blog has not been updated much recently. That is because my experience has been going through one of these difficult times. Consequently I have not felt motivated enough to write much and I have felt even less motivated to go out and experience things in a worth writing about. But this blog is meant to be an honest account of my time as an au pair, and I guess the best and most honest thing to do is tell you about how bad things have been.
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First and foremost I want to stress something. I really love the the family I work for. The host parents are very considerate and they have done an amazing job to make me feel welcome in their home, which cannot be an easy thing for anyone to do. The kids can be amazingly sweet, and when they are they are lovely to work with. But as with all things, there are highs and lows, and recently things have been low.
The root of the problem is with the kids. For the most part I feel very sorry for them. They have been uprooted form their home in London and moved to Paris over the summer. They must be feeling slightly displaced and they must be missing their friends and life in London. Although they are half French, they attend an international Spanish school and the church attached to it, so I imagine they do not feel very French even though they live in Paris.
The little boy has been sick recently. This is a long term thing, and has been going on for a while. He had a few days of school last term, but in the last month he has been off school for several days, and moreover the school has called the parents to go pick him up. Although they are the ones who are called, I am the one who goes to pick him up. This means leaving my french classes early, or abandoning friends in the middle of what is normally our time off. Au pairs are normally limited in their contracts to maximum 35 hour weeks, but I have been going way over that looking after they little boy. Although the parents try to take time off in the mornings/afternoons to be with him, this is not always possible, and think the little boy is upset that it is me not his parents with him when he is sick. What he does enjoy is the sleeping all day and the TV that he is allowed to watch. In fact it got so bad that he now says he would rather stay home and watch TV than go to school - something he didn't say last term. This switch to hating school means that mornings are now impossible because he lies down and will not put on his clothes or shoes, and constantly says that he will tell his teacher that he is sick and has to go home. The parents are not around in the mornings, so several times I have had to half drag a screaming and crying 4 year old to school. We have not been on time for school once in the last 2 weeks, even though we live around the corner. Impossible.
The amount of attention the little boy has received because of his illness is now affecting the older Sister. Last year her brother was in nursery and she was constantly doing activities such as sport and drama. This year she does 2 activities during the week, and her brother is in the same school as her. They even share a bedroom, which in my opinion, is not good for an 8 year old and 4 year old. She is constantly sharing her space with him and has very little privacy, and I sympathise that this must be frustrating for her. I feel she is becoming jealous and lashing out accordingly. She constantly provokes her brother and envies that he is too young for homework and so can spend more time playing for her. She is consequently lashing out at me, being insolent, sulky, and at the drop of a hat a previously quiet conversation will turn into a fully fledged tantrum.
The girl is also not doing so well at school and I suspect that this may be part of the reason for her bad behaviour. She is not very self disciplined, and rushes through her homework focussing on finishing it rather than absorbing the information. She has received several very low marks in French, Maths, and English. I feel exceptionally responsible for the English result - Part of the reason I am here is to keep the kids speaking English now they have left London. Consequently, when she fails English, I feel as though I have failed her. Moreover, I used to be a teacher at a school in London. Whilst her mother should be in charge of checking her Spanish, and the dad is in charge of helping her pass French, I can help her with the rest. Yes her maths and science are in Spanish textbooks, but a) I can read Spanish and b) those topics do not change their facts just because they are in a different language. I can teach her multiplication, and the answer will still be the same in English, Spanish, or French. However, as soon as I point out that I was a teacher and know how much work she needs to put in, her personality switches and a full blown tantrum happens. I am quickly exhausted and the fight to finish homework gets more exhausting as the week progresses.
I think a lot of the problems also stem from the fact that they do not see much of their parents during the week. The mum leaves before the kids wake up, and arrives just after I usually put them to bed (the 4 year old needs a lot of sleep, the 8 year old needs less, but they share a room so what can I do?). Sometimes she can go up to 3 days without seeing the kids. The dad is there for half an hour in the mornings, but usually arrives after they are in bed. I say usually because the little boy has figured out this pattern and is now refusing to go to bed. He will stay up for his parents and as soon as they come back it is 2 hours of "je suis pas fatigue", "j'ai mal au ventre", "J'ai faim" "Je veux une histoire avec Papa/Maman" - anything that will get the Parents attention. His longterm sickness is a problem with his ear - no 4 year old is 'mal au ventre' 10 days in a row at 21:00 despite eating a huge meal. He is manipulating them.
The Parents' response can be very frustrating. On the one hand I completely understand that they do not see the kids very much during the week, so they feel guilty and want to compensate for their absence with lots kisses, cuddles, and affection. I really do understand that. On the other hand their refusal to enforce punishments I have given during the day or a refusal to be angry with the kids is just making the bad behaviour worse. It undermines any authority I have, because the kids just wait until Mum and Dad get home to ask for something and the parents cave immediately.
So after a month of this happening, the kids refuse to accept that I have authority over them, and nothing gets done. The 4 year old is running around the salon screaming at 23:00, and because he goes to bed so late he is impossible to get ready for school in the morning and the bad behaviour and frustration continues. The girl cannot sleep because her brother is keeping her awake (again - stupid shared bedroom) and so retaliates by hitting him and trying to provoke him without us noticing. The minute I (or her parents at the weekend) catch her doing it she screams the house down. I have been late to several French classes (which cost a lot of money) to stay with the sick little boy, and have been working overtime like no-ones business. I am so exhausted that by the time I have finished dealing with the kids AND doing the washing/cleaning/chores that I have been allocated, I just want to sit quietly for a few moments. Therefore at the weekends I am staying in my room avoiding the family, but being next to the salon I can hear the weekend round of screaming (gosh I wish I had a live out position now). I feel exhausted and stressed out, and like I am going round and round in a downwards spiral of chaos. My skin is breaking out, and all I want is a good night's sleep. Another side effect is that I am not seeing as much of Paris as I had hoped and I have nothing to blog about!
The good news is that I have recently had a series of long discussions with the parents, and I think (hope?) that they are about to get strict with the kids. But better than that, the grand-parents are on my side! They have been staying with us recently, and the Mamie (grand-mère) was shocked at the behaviour. She sat down with me for some tea and sympathy, and she agrees that it cannot continue. So for the first week of the holiday, the kids are going to Biarritz with their grandparents to learn some manners! Yes! Mamie to the rescue! I hope that by this time next week the kids will be perfect angels and saying their "merci"s and "s'il vous plait"s.
And how am I celebrating this week of freedom? By taking some much needed time for myself. I feel like I need some fresh air and exercise to relieve my stress. So, like many French people at this time of year, I'm off to the Alps for some skiing, some sleep, and some Savoyard cuisine! I'll be returning to Paris refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to blog. Don't worry, I'll be making some time to do some writing while I'm out there too, so stay tuned for a lot of pictures of snow and raclette.
So I'm off on the TGV to Geneva, and then on to Chamonix! I can hear the vin chaud calling my name already.
À plus!
1 comment:
Hi Emily,
I see you posted this in February, how have things been going this month? I'm hoping you've seen some improvements. If you're still not able to enjoy your weekends (which is quite important as those are your only true free moments during the week), you could think of using a site like Couchsurfing where you basically sleep at someone's place for a night or two and this gives you an opportunity to meet some quite fun people without having to spend money on a hotel just to get away from your host family for a bit. I was an au pair a few years back, caring for a sweet hyperactive girl, so I can understand your exhaustion and need for a break!
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