Look. I am no expert on the matter. I have not yet been an au pair. I am, if you like, an au pair in waiting. That being said, I have already had several people reach out to me via twitter and tumblr with questions about how to go about finding your au pair placement, and I think I have a few insights which may be worthwhile considering. So let me take you through the stages I went through when selecting my au pair position, and how to avoid the pitfalls and problems that can crop up. Get ready for a long post...
1) Why do you want to be an au pair?
Before you plan your first weekend off, before you start packing, before you talk to any families, before you join a website to find a family, ask yourself this question:"Why do I want to be an au pair?"
You may think I'm overreacting, but allow me to explain myself: Are you looking for a cheap gap year? Are you looking to drink a lot and get a little wild? Have you just left school and are looking for something to do to earn a little money before uni? Are you dying for a bit of independence? Do you dislike small children? Do you turn up late even when you try hard not to? Are you unwilling to clean up after others? Do you like to keep your evenings free? Do you hate waking up early? Did you ever fail a language exam at school because you found grammar too boring to learn?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions you may want to reconsider becoming an au pair. Let's be clear - an au pair placement requires work. Wikipedia defines au pair as: "a domestic assistant from a foreign country working for, and living as part of, a host family. Typically, au pairs take on a share of the family's responsibility for childcare as well as some housework, and receive a monetary allowance for personal use." link
The British Au Pairs Agency Association says: "An au pair is a caring, live-in childcare provider who lives as an extended member of a host family in exchange for room, board and pocket money."
An au pair programme expects you to be willing to clean and take care of the children. This may involve getting up early to get them ready for school, driving to activities, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, taking care of them when they are ill, bathing them and putting them to bed. You will have to help them with homework, and the family will expect you to talk to the children in your native language - that's why they want a foreign au pair and not a local nanny. On top of that you may be required to clean the house, babysit a few nights a week, and even walk the family dog once every so often. Many countries will also ask that you take a language course as part of 'linguistic and cultural integration." You may be up at 6:30 and finish work whenever the parents get home, sometimes as late as 21:00 on a weekday or later if they want an evening out. Yes you'll have the school day to yourself, and have mandatory time off, but it is still a big commitment.
2) Am I prepared to make a commitment?
Being an au pair is a commitment. I haven't even started my position yet, but even I can tell you that. First and foremost, it is a position that in most countries (though not all) requires you to sign a contract. Now as someone who has just graduated law school let me tell you - that is some serious shit. Contracts are not to be taken lightly. When you put your name to one you had better be prepared to see your commitment through, or else you are in for a world of hurt.
In France it is a requirement that you sign a contract. That contract not only details your name, where you are from, and the address you will live at, but also your family's details, including number and ages of children, whether there is anyone else working in their house (like a cleaner), the amount of hours they expect you to work (you will maximally work 5 hours per day and 30 hours per week in France - other countries vary) and how they plan to cover you with an insurance plan. As you can see, the contract is not just a burden upon you, but it also protects you.
There are countless horror stories online of au pairs not realising that there had to be a contract, and ending up living in a cupboard, with 20€ a week spending money (under French law, your host family must pay you pocket money which corresponds to 75 - 90% of the minimum wage, which is re-evaluated each year. This year, 2015, it is between 264.00 € and 316.80 € per month). Some describe becoming almost indentured servants, fulfilling the children's every tantrum, and never experiencing the culture of the country they were in. The most vulnerable au pairs seem to be those coming from other EU countries. Any au pair who requires a visa (USA, Canada, Australia, China, India) already expects a deal of paperwork, but EU au pairs are free to move in and out of countries without such bureaucracy. Sometimes unscrupulous families even seem to prefer EU students as they are easier to pay money to "under the table" as their presence in another EU country isn't questions or monitored as much as au pairs requiring visas. Don't let this be you. Make sure you and the family you want to live with are clear on the details before you sign the contract (but please, PLEASE sign it).
Second of all many countries have a minimum term that you must complete if you want to be considered an au pair. In France this minimum term is 3 months (and you may stay for up to 12 months - other countries allow longer). So if you get homesick after 3 weeks, tough.
3) How do I find a family?
There are many ways of finding a family. Some families still advertise in the classifieds section of magazines (if one of your parents/older siblings is a doctor or nurse, medical magazines frequently carry adverts from doctors/nurses in foreign countries, usually Australia for some reason, looking for au pairs. I don't why, but its true).
Second of all there are many agencies who offer to set you up with families. Many of these charge a fee however. The payoff is that they will do a lot of the legwork for you, and provide a lot of support both before and after your placement begins. A good agency will be registered with the British Au Pairs Agency Association, though this is not a requirement (and of course this is only relevant to British au pairs).
I used a different method. I went with a website that sets up au pairs with families: www.aupairworld.com
First of all - let's point out the obvious. Meeting people over the internet is really really dangerous. Anyone can say they are looking for an au pair, and then turn out to be an axe wielding maniac. Do not put your full details including credit card number, phone number, and passport number out on the internet for anybody to find. Do not use any old message board.
However I found AuPair World to be really helpful. Yes there is a fee, but most of the time this is paid by the host families who want to contact the au pairs, allowing us au pairs to contact these families for free. If no fee is paid you can only send an automated message to a family - no personal messages can be made. Also, the site features a huge amount of resources for au pairs when investigating their potential host countries. Everything is there form the law surrounding au pairs, to the kind of pocket money you can expect, and even the required contracts IN TRANSLATION! Everything I wanted to know about being an au pair in France could be found here.
There is a real human team working on this website too (out of Germany I believe), and a lot of work is being put in to make this site as user friendly as possible - it includes matching criteria (are you a smoker, can you drive), messaging, viewing photographs, and the ability to make notes about each family that messages you contact (without them seeing anything!). Plus if anything suspicious happens, they will block your account and will only unblock it when they have verified your identity (how do I know - I was blocked. A total misunderstanding though...). And if you have any problems, you can call and emails them in one of 6 languages. I would seriously recommend them if you want to begin your search for your family. There are families from all over the world represented and the service is great.
4) How do I choose the family for me?
There are a variety of factors that should come into consideration. In my case I put up my profile, came back 3 days later and had almost 100 message from families. I initially discounted anyone who sent mean automated message - this meant they were either sending out loads of messages to potential au pairs and I was 1 in 50, or they hadn't closely read my profile, or they were unwilling to pay the sign up fee and expected me to (which is a bit mad when they are looking to pay someone as an au pair, and I am young an unemployed). Next I went through the personal messages and discounted anyone who had written me pages and pages of French. My profile explicitly said I had basic french and was looking to improve. If they wrote the whole thing in fluent French, they either hadn't read my profile, or didn't care. Worst case scenario they couldn't speak any English and that would make negotiating the contract a nightmare.
Finally I asked myself a few key questions about what I wanted:
5) I think I've found a family I like. What next?
Simple. Contact them.
Email is great, but Skype is better. Best of all is meeting them in person - which I did (more on that later).
If you are using aupairworld.com and have begun messaging through their system, it may be time to move it to personal email addresses or Skype. As I mentioned before, aupairworld.com will only let you send personal messages if one party has paid the fee. If they have paid the fee, exchange emails or Skype details here and then get to know each other better. I think Skype is the best option, because you can really see the whole family. You can wave to the kids, and see what the house looks like. Plus there is something about looking someone in the eye that helps to build trust and allow for a natural flow of conversation - very important if you propose to live with these people for a year. I admit I put a full face of make up on before speaking to every family - No matter how healthy you are, Skype will always make you look washed out and like you have slightly blurry flu.
The family I was most interested in actually currently live in London, and they invited me to come and have lunch with them in their flat. So I got on the train and a week after getting their Skype call I was in their house, eating traditional charcuterie and being told my french was bad by an 8 year old. It was lovely. Seriously. We got to know each other much better, and the children will not be shocked when I turn up on their door in 1 month's time and am introduced as the person who will be taking them to school every day. Obviously this is not possible for everyone, but I would urge you to have as much honest communication as possible before you pack your bags.
A few key questions to ask are
Some of these may seem obvious, but you may regret it if you don't ask now before you commit. Don't forget to ask about any other details that may be personal to you. If you require Tuesday afternoons off to eat chocolate cake and marathon Netflix boxsets because you are in the church of the flying spaghetti monster - you might want to make sure they are ok with this. Everyone has their own priorities - as I have said before, any family trying to impose a curfew on me could fuck right off - so make sure you know what yours are.
Don't forget to be quick - how many families did you look at before you decided you liked this one? Well this family are probably looking at other au pairs. Much like in dating - if you like them it really is simpler just to tell them (but don't get weird). Don't hang around umming and aaahing over this family or that family - or else they will pick someone else and you will be left to start the whole process over again.
When all of these points are settled, go through the contract with the family. Make sure that you are clear on the details. Sign it. Make copies. Try to get written confirmation of all the things the family has offered and keep them close to hand. Check what documentation you need e.g. a health certificate from your GP, evidence of any language qualifications. Be charming, kiss everyone on the cheek twice, and tell them how excited you are.
Now you are on your way. Book transportation. Dust off your suitcase. You are ready to become an au pair.
 |
| Expectations |
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| Reality |
1) Why do you want to be an au pair?
Before you plan your first weekend off, before you start packing, before you talk to any families, before you join a website to find a family, ask yourself this question:"Why do I want to be an au pair?"
You may think I'm overreacting, but allow me to explain myself: Are you looking for a cheap gap year? Are you looking to drink a lot and get a little wild? Have you just left school and are looking for something to do to earn a little money before uni? Are you dying for a bit of independence? Do you dislike small children? Do you turn up late even when you try hard not to? Are you unwilling to clean up after others? Do you like to keep your evenings free? Do you hate waking up early? Did you ever fail a language exam at school because you found grammar too boring to learn?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions you may want to reconsider becoming an au pair. Let's be clear - an au pair placement requires work. Wikipedia defines au pair as: "a domestic assistant from a foreign country working for, and living as part of, a host family. Typically, au pairs take on a share of the family's responsibility for childcare as well as some housework, and receive a monetary allowance for personal use." link
The British Au Pairs Agency Association says: "An au pair is a caring, live-in childcare provider who lives as an extended member of a host family in exchange for room, board and pocket money."
An au pair programme expects you to be willing to clean and take care of the children. This may involve getting up early to get them ready for school, driving to activities, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, taking care of them when they are ill, bathing them and putting them to bed. You will have to help them with homework, and the family will expect you to talk to the children in your native language - that's why they want a foreign au pair and not a local nanny. On top of that you may be required to clean the house, babysit a few nights a week, and even walk the family dog once every so often. Many countries will also ask that you take a language course as part of 'linguistic and cultural integration." You may be up at 6:30 and finish work whenever the parents get home, sometimes as late as 21:00 on a weekday or later if they want an evening out. Yes you'll have the school day to yourself, and have mandatory time off, but it is still a big commitment.
2) Am I prepared to make a commitment?
Being an au pair is a commitment. I haven't even started my position yet, but even I can tell you that. First and foremost, it is a position that in most countries (though not all) requires you to sign a contract. Now as someone who has just graduated law school let me tell you - that is some serious shit. Contracts are not to be taken lightly. When you put your name to one you had better be prepared to see your commitment through, or else you are in for a world of hurt.
In France it is a requirement that you sign a contract. That contract not only details your name, where you are from, and the address you will live at, but also your family's details, including number and ages of children, whether there is anyone else working in their house (like a cleaner), the amount of hours they expect you to work (you will maximally work 5 hours per day and 30 hours per week in France - other countries vary) and how they plan to cover you with an insurance plan. As you can see, the contract is not just a burden upon you, but it also protects you.
There are countless horror stories online of au pairs not realising that there had to be a contract, and ending up living in a cupboard, with 20€ a week spending money (under French law, your host family must pay you pocket money which corresponds to 75 - 90% of the minimum wage, which is re-evaluated each year. This year, 2015, it is between 264.00 € and 316.80 € per month). Some describe becoming almost indentured servants, fulfilling the children's every tantrum, and never experiencing the culture of the country they were in. The most vulnerable au pairs seem to be those coming from other EU countries. Any au pair who requires a visa (USA, Canada, Australia, China, India) already expects a deal of paperwork, but EU au pairs are free to move in and out of countries without such bureaucracy. Sometimes unscrupulous families even seem to prefer EU students as they are easier to pay money to "under the table" as their presence in another EU country isn't questions or monitored as much as au pairs requiring visas. Don't let this be you. Make sure you and the family you want to live with are clear on the details before you sign the contract (but please, PLEASE sign it).
Second of all many countries have a minimum term that you must complete if you want to be considered an au pair. In France this minimum term is 3 months (and you may stay for up to 12 months - other countries allow longer). So if you get homesick after 3 weeks, tough.
3) How do I find a family?
There are many ways of finding a family. Some families still advertise in the classifieds section of magazines (if one of your parents/older siblings is a doctor or nurse, medical magazines frequently carry adverts from doctors/nurses in foreign countries, usually Australia for some reason, looking for au pairs. I don't why, but its true).
Second of all there are many agencies who offer to set you up with families. Many of these charge a fee however. The payoff is that they will do a lot of the legwork for you, and provide a lot of support both before and after your placement begins. A good agency will be registered with the British Au Pairs Agency Association, though this is not a requirement (and of course this is only relevant to British au pairs).
I used a different method. I went with a website that sets up au pairs with families: www.aupairworld.com
First of all - let's point out the obvious. Meeting people over the internet is really really dangerous. Anyone can say they are looking for an au pair, and then turn out to be an axe wielding maniac. Do not put your full details including credit card number, phone number, and passport number out on the internet for anybody to find. Do not use any old message board.
However I found AuPair World to be really helpful. Yes there is a fee, but most of the time this is paid by the host families who want to contact the au pairs, allowing us au pairs to contact these families for free. If no fee is paid you can only send an automated message to a family - no personal messages can be made. Also, the site features a huge amount of resources for au pairs when investigating their potential host countries. Everything is there form the law surrounding au pairs, to the kind of pocket money you can expect, and even the required contracts IN TRANSLATION! Everything I wanted to know about being an au pair in France could be found here.
There is a real human team working on this website too (out of Germany I believe), and a lot of work is being put in to make this site as user friendly as possible - it includes matching criteria (are you a smoker, can you drive), messaging, viewing photographs, and the ability to make notes about each family that messages you contact (without them seeing anything!). Plus if anything suspicious happens, they will block your account and will only unblock it when they have verified your identity (how do I know - I was blocked. A total misunderstanding though...). And if you have any problems, you can call and emails them in one of 6 languages. I would seriously recommend them if you want to begin your search for your family. There are families from all over the world represented and the service is great.
4) How do I choose the family for me?
There are a variety of factors that should come into consideration. In my case I put up my profile, came back 3 days later and had almost 100 message from families. I initially discounted anyone who sent mean automated message - this meant they were either sending out loads of messages to potential au pairs and I was 1 in 50, or they hadn't closely read my profile, or they were unwilling to pay the sign up fee and expected me to (which is a bit mad when they are looking to pay someone as an au pair, and I am young an unemployed). Next I went through the personal messages and discounted anyone who had written me pages and pages of French. My profile explicitly said I had basic french and was looking to improve. If they wrote the whole thing in fluent French, they either hadn't read my profile, or didn't care. Worst case scenario they couldn't speak any English and that would make negotiating the contract a nightmare.
Finally I asked myself a few key questions about what I wanted:
- Where in France did I want to live? - Paris? Nice? Bayonne? Rhone-Alpes? where you choose to live will affect how you live. the different regions have very different lifestyles. In nice you can be playing with the kids on the beach and getting a sun tan well into Autumn. In the Alps you may have to learnt to Ski. Are you prepared for the famed Parisian arrogance if it means being close to all those shops?
- What sort of living arrangement did I want? Most families offer you a room in their house or flat (called 'living-in' by many au pairs), some very rich ones (particularly in the south of France) have small bedrooms/ensuites with private entrances on their terrace or in their garden. In Paris it can be quite common for the family to get an entirely separate studio apartment for the au pair ('living-out') which is great if you want to go out a lot of feel more independent - but it may be a few streets away from their home, and do you want to be walking back alone, late at night? Sometimes there is no internet and only a basic kitchen. Wouldn't you rather eat with the family and try to improve your French? This is entirely down to personal preference. But remember, they may have to treat you like a member of the family, but don't treat their house as badly as you treated your bedroom as a teenager.
- How much work were they asking for and were there any major house rules? As I said above - this is a big commitment. If I wasn't prepared to do what they asked there was no point even beginning a conversation. I have worked as a teacher before, so homework and coming up with activities for children was not a big shock for me. I am also naturally quite tidy, so a bit of clearing up was no problem (but it was even better if they had a house keeper). Some families had curfews for the au pair and I dismissed these immediately. Many au pairs are 17- 19 and this is their first experience after leaving school. They may have a lot of energy and go a bit mad with the independence, and not be used to adult responsibilities. I am 25, have lived in 2 major UK cities, have worked a steady job, and let's just say that I am beyond the "staying out all night drunk 3 nights in a row) stage of my life. I would like the option of staying out late (easier if you live in a separate studio - more difficult if you 'live-in' with the family) but I am old enough to be respectful of other people's sleeping patterns, and mature enough to know that I still have to be up at 7:00 to get the kids ready for school, and a 4 year old will not respect my hangover. I refuse to be given a curfew like a child, but I will not abuse the family's hospitality.
- Does it look like we might get along? Some families were looking for someone very sporty to help with their 'very active' children who were almost semi-pro tennis players. I like going to the gym, but I am not a personal trainer. The occaisional bike ride is fine with me, but camping and bicycle trekking through the hills with small children every weekend? No thank you. Children interested in art/drama/baking? Yes! that I can do! Parents say they are looking for someone close to a 19th century governess to teach their children English grammar and history for 4 hours a night? No. Families looking for a 'Big Sister' with a bit of cleaning and homework thrown in? Fine by me. Again, this is a very personal matter, but take it seriously.
- Finally -What are they offering me? Ah yes the old chestnut. Money, money, money. Depending on your qualifications, age, and experience you will receive a wide range of financial offers. Remember what I said above - French law dictates the minimum pay, but some families may offer more. If you want to choose based on who offers the most money, then that is fine. But bear in mind that they may be offering other things as well. It is quite common for host families to offer to pay for the au pair's travel expenses to the host country,or for the mandatory language courses (and these can be up to 800€). Some will offer you a travel card either locally or some generous families will even offer a national travel pass - excellent if they give you weekends off. Some also offer to pay for your French sim card and phone contract - very useful for making friends and staying in contact. When its all put together, which family is really offering you the most for their money?
5) I think I've found a family I like. What next?
Simple. Contact them.
Email is great, but Skype is better. Best of all is meeting them in person - which I did (more on that later).
If you are using aupairworld.com and have begun messaging through their system, it may be time to move it to personal email addresses or Skype. As I mentioned before, aupairworld.com will only let you send personal messages if one party has paid the fee. If they have paid the fee, exchange emails or Skype details here and then get to know each other better. I think Skype is the best option, because you can really see the whole family. You can wave to the kids, and see what the house looks like. Plus there is something about looking someone in the eye that helps to build trust and allow for a natural flow of conversation - very important if you propose to live with these people for a year. I admit I put a full face of make up on before speaking to every family - No matter how healthy you are, Skype will always make you look washed out and like you have slightly blurry flu.
The family I was most interested in actually currently live in London, and they invited me to come and have lunch with them in their flat. So I got on the train and a week after getting their Skype call I was in their house, eating traditional charcuterie and being told my french was bad by an 8 year old. It was lovely. Seriously. We got to know each other much better, and the children will not be shocked when I turn up on their door in 1 month's time and am introduced as the person who will be taking them to school every day. Obviously this is not possible for everyone, but I would urge you to have as much honest communication as possible before you pack your bags.
A few key questions to ask are
- Have you had an au pair before? If yes - may I contact them?
- Do you know any other families with au pairs? I don't want to be friendless.
- What is my room like? Do you have photos?
- How many days off can I expect?
- Do the children follow a strict schedule? Can you send me a copy?
- Do the children have any favourite meals/ anything they won't eat?
- What area do you live in? Is it safe? How far from the nearest transport is it?
- Do I have to work in the school holidays?
- When can I take holidays?
- Do you expect/will you allow me to go on family holidays with you? Will I have to pay for this?
- Will you expect me to eat with you?
- When do you normally get home from work?
- Are you religious? Is it ok if I am /am not?
- Does anyone in the family have a serious allergy/health problem?
- If there are problems at school, does someone at the children's school speak English? Do they know that someone whose French is very bad will be at the school gates?
- Will there be a grandmother coming to stay every weekend and giving me the evil eye?
Have you ever murdered anyone with an axe?
Some of these may seem obvious, but you may regret it if you don't ask now before you commit. Don't forget to ask about any other details that may be personal to you. If you require Tuesday afternoons off to eat chocolate cake and marathon Netflix boxsets because you are in the church of the flying spaghetti monster - you might want to make sure they are ok with this. Everyone has their own priorities - as I have said before, any family trying to impose a curfew on me could fuck right off - so make sure you know what yours are.
Don't forget to be quick - how many families did you look at before you decided you liked this one? Well this family are probably looking at other au pairs. Much like in dating - if you like them it really is simpler just to tell them (but don't get weird). Don't hang around umming and aaahing over this family or that family - or else they will pick someone else and you will be left to start the whole process over again.
When all of these points are settled, go through the contract with the family. Make sure that you are clear on the details. Sign it. Make copies. Try to get written confirmation of all the things the family has offered and keep them close to hand. Check what documentation you need e.g. a health certificate from your GP, evidence of any language qualifications. Be charming, kiss everyone on the cheek twice, and tell them how excited you are.
Now you are on your way. Book transportation. Dust off your suitcase. You are ready to become an au pair.
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